Breast Feeding NOT 101…

For whatever the reason may be, it’s OKAY not to breast feed. If you’re like me pumping nor breast feeding were in the cards. Breast feeding and pumping are so pushed it seems like, even those breast feeding women that say “fed is best” seem to say it with an insincere face. I feel like ONLY moms that didn’t breast feed or pump can truly understand the situation and the many emotions that come with it.

If you have read some of my other posts you may have seen that the twins were born 10 weeks early. We were blessed to have healthy babies. They did receive donor milk in the NICU for the first couple of weeks, and during that time I tried my hardest to pump. I would get enough to feed them maybe once a day, if I was lucky. I never planned on breast feeding, but I did plan to pump.

First of all, why is every lactation consultant so condescending? No offense if you are one and you’re nice but I’ve even asked my friends and the experience has been pretty universal. Anyway, I literally couldn’t even attempt to breast feed because the twins were on a feeding tube for WEEKS. The lactation consultant told me a combination of them being early c-section babies that were in the NICU away from their mom probably contributed to my milk not coming in. They were able to get my colostrum and honestly that was my main concern. The donor milk was something I had to really come to terms with but I wasn’t able to supply enough.

I had really been debating on just stopping pumping. It was so discouraging and I felt like I had enough going on with the twins in the NICU and finally nesting that I felt the best thing for me was to stop pumping and torturing myself. I did everything I could the different drink mixtures, the snacks, the pumping times, EVERYTHING. I promise I didn’t take giving up lightly. Many tears were shed leading up to the decision.

We arrived at the NICU that evening for our daily visit and I was still unsure of what I was going to do, I saw the twins were receiving formula in their tubes. I immediately asked why and they said breast milk doesn’t offer everything babies their size and age need in that stage. The twins HAD to be supplemented with formula. a weight had lifted off of my shoulders. I decided if they tolerated it well then that solved all of my problems. They did great with the formula so that made my mind up for me. My milk NEVER came in btw.

From then on, watching other moms be able to provide for their children always kind of made me uncomfortable. I can’t explain the feeling it gave me but it was almost an ick. I know it came from a place of envy; however, I tried really hard to never blame myself or think there was something wrong with me. All of this to say, whatever you chose for your kids is for you and your kids. I think not pumping took a weight off of my shoulders and with twins it seemed so much easier in the end.

Your way is the best way, mom. You’re not wrong.